Cruel Words

All new to me

This feeling of solitude
even when surrounded
by friends
family
ghosts
memory
new experience
new life force
filling nooks
crannies of my days.

Still
the hollow
center of my heart
knows not where to turn
solace
slow in coming
peace
distant
though tangible
hope
the tiniest glimmer
but finally
back in the picture.

And how
do I find myself
doing
what I have spent a lifetime
avoiding doing,
acting
out
some
spontaneous
purging
of hurt
anger
need
fear
towards the one
who may
or may not
deserve it most
need it less
expect it
from me
not at all,
the person
I most
don't want to hurt.

Firing back
sharp shards
shrapnel
torn
from the shattered glass
of a heart
I no longer can feel
beating.
Forced from my gullet
by another
in a long line
of misunderstandings
misdiagnosed
misaligned
dramas
the product
of love
gone
bad,
trust
shot
to shit,
love
unaccepted
and squandered,
pain
unresolved.

I have no idea
who this man is
who cannot
be
perfect
who cannot
be
all
she once believed
me to be.

I wake to his shadow
hanging on the wall
above me.
I shut him
into the dark room
and I wait
for him to crawl out
from under
the door
my rusty scepter
of self-respect
and remorse
in my grip
hoping
I am strong enough
to beat him
back
into the dark. 

~ written around late August 2006, Delaware. Most likely on 8/26/06 when it was first published in my MySpace.com/v32unes blog. Dark, introspective days.