WITHOUT PROVISIONS

Obsessed with love
From opposite poles
You with your redemption of revenge
Running from tri-pronged words
Lovers in your wake,
Leaping into the arms of Brave New Girl,
My own lust for love’s Medusian forms
Disparate, but quite desperate
For any slight permutation
To the point of self-hypnosis
Confusion of what is
And what will never be.
Two delusionists procrastinating their way
Through long, lonely patches
Of sloth-like self-immolation and deception
Missing boats, points, shivering seminal connections
Hanging from the rafters around us
Hungry for a little heartbeat
And slipping past us on the wings
Of my indecision
And your books of rules.

So you seek
Those beneath you
Those you can save
Those you can ache to understand
Hoping
In the race to walk away
That the very thing which attracts you
Will make them easier to leave.
The big boned, the old daddies,
The misfit, artistic, needy and dysfunctional
Who contribute
To your own self-worth
Add texture and drama and inspiration and obstacle
To your daily grind
Some sense of being needed
Some sense of being flawed enough
To allow you to shine.

I seek the illusive beauty
The perfect smile
Round, young ass of a teen
On a full-grown, genius guruette
Someone I can worship
Bend over.
Walking dictionary goddesses
Wanting nothing more than to live their lives to fill my head
My bed
My waking moments with discovery
Sinful fire-breathing naughtiness
Accepting my genuflection
With my dominant stare,
Physical largess matching
Serve for serve
My passionate heart
My servitude
And enveloping embrace
With my self-flagellating doubt.
Iron filaments gather around me
Pulled with me toward the magnetic sphere
Of those not ready
To trust their own ability to love,
Pulled t’ward those damaged by
Fathers, boyfriends
Con men and hypocrites
All unable to hold tightly to their responsibilities
Express their love for anything but their own myopic screeds
Or those who take the first train out of Daddyville
By choice or fate
Leaving their sad, little girls to wonder why
Sitting on steps each night
Waiting for his big hands to sweep them up;
Impaled on the bitterness of cheating lovers
Harsh and ignorant men
Their own spiritless souls seeking
More than is willing to be given
Brothers gone on with life
Boyfriends greedy with lust
Girlfriends neck deep in temptation
Misunderstanding
Insecurity and
All of those mismatched,
Mistakes
Discarded moments
Miscalculated
Maligned
Possibilities
Tossed into the flames
Fear
Laziness
The drive for the perfect
Beast
Love’s precarious reputation
Holding the match.

And there we sit
Needing and wanting
What we cannot accept
What we will not fully give--
Everything.
There are those of us
Who cannot handle the torturous
Self-exposure
Seeking the restitution of revenge
Conscious and unconscious gaming
Positioning
Manipulations
The outward blaming
Replacing the outpouring of love’s unbridled
Flow
And all of us ego-driven
To the brink of self-delusion.

So the thoughtful of us
Hunker down in our solitude
Rolling a fatty
A phalanx of equations, probabilities, deceptions and epiphanies
Around in our heads
Before we touch a match to it
Inhaling its smokescreen with hope
A candy drop you cannot resist biting into too soon.
We fail to be godlike
Use timing as our alibi
Being misunderstood as our cloak
Our cover.
We stand alone
Surrounded by God’s love
The universal bliss of our very existence as proof
Ignored in the cannonball leap
Looking for that big splash
Courting the deep end.
Just not damn sure.
Just wanting more.
Just needing
Our arms
Around the elusive
One
Forever
Loved.

~ for Molly, 1/4/09 Big Bear City
also collected in MOLVESTED.doc
also collected in POETICS 2008/2009.doc
also published at FMBS.C

DAWN

Standing alone
In my window
The night’s cool condensation
Blurring half my view
My nakedness
In the purple pre-dawn
Reflected in the glass
As my skin
Takes on the morning’s
Tumescent glow
My hand slides
Across and down my belly
Reflecting my pleasure
And my thoughts
Of the next time
I look down upon your waiting form
Warmed like the morning sky
Awaiting
The excitement
Of the day’s unknown
Embrace.

And of them all
You are the person
I am most compelled to wrap my arms around
The exhibiting of love
Enough for you
The action
The act
Knowing that you fill my heart is enough
Though I may yearn for some acknowledgment
That will never come
Some declaration
Some ego stroke not truly needed
Instead luxuriating to see a glimmer
In your eyes
On our faces
Every time our eyes meet
And in the caring and daily compassion
Openness and honesty
We share.
Nonetheless
The showman in me
Dreams of shouting lusty howls
From rooftops…
For now
Let me whisper your name.

- Big Bear City, March 2010 at dawn, for Molly, my beloved EXP and Best Roomie Ever.
I wrote this as I went to bed as dawn broke over the mountain in front of my house. I forgot about it and three weeks later found it on a legal pad under my bed as I cleaned up to head East.

BEGIN BEING

live
listen
grow with love
feel life’s flow

bless the weight of profound surrender
encourage compassion
balance
gratitude and
transform energy into serenity
challenge
inspire and dream

from fragile birth
sustain chaos
bear suffering
soothe
comfort
endure

when weary
laugh
let your mind rest
in this present light

nourish spirit
through touch
create self-awareness
as you recycle
trust
courage
joy

play hard
give out hope free
a happy heart heals

value change
wisdom
gentle grace
beauty
truth

ask
care
believe
though question understanding
pamper doubt

be still
accept the journey
meditate
breathe

wish peace for every soul



~ written in Arden garrett, with refrigerator magnets, 9/8/08
for Val Cherrin & Molly Mackey
also published in my blog at www.myspace.com/v32unes

ODD MAN IN/OUT

i.
The gentlest of souls
Simple yet complex
Spontaneous choices
Based on practiced self-trust —
To want someone else’s happiness
More than your own
Is dangerous stuff
A slippery trail
To an illusively rewarding summit.
Finally reaching the peak
the view from the top
Can be cloud covered
Socked in
So one must contemplate...
Turn back
Descend...
Sit still
And wait...
In the best
of all worlds
What will be seen,
Invigorating
And disconcerting
Mesmerizing
And polarizing,
May at minimum
Remind us of only
What we have given up
On the climb.
The passing time
Those left behind
The pain in your legs
Spine
Feet
Soul
Reminders of what remains:
The sky
Behind the clouds.

ii.
And sometimes
I want to cry at the sight
Of her
But my smile
Squenches my eyes up
Too tightly to let the tears flow.
Just me.
That infamous
“walking contradiction
partly fact
partly fiction.”
Being me.
Basket case happy
Backpack full of sad.

She reflects me.
We reflect each other
Quick to process
Slow to act
Full of ideas
Shy on follow up.
We settle
And we plan
And we move towards
The next thing
That fills the unfillable.

Seductive mirror
Shining each other’s image
Too often
Neglecting our own.
We know life is simpler than we make it
More complex than we wish it.
And in her arms
I feel my own heart beating.

iii.
Watching your affection for each other
Revealing itself
Explored
Expressed
In little hugs
Elbow kisses
Magnetic touches
Your happiness
Sweetness
Dare I say romantic side?
Turning me on
As always
That I so desire to sidle up to
The both of you
Our legs crossed over yours
A simple hand on your hip.
You
Surrounded by hope
Nothing overt
Just contact
Touching unspoken love
Showing you both
How being a special part of your lives
Makes some kind of sacred sense
So deeply felt
Though present moment’s tenuous confusion
Finds so little
Space
For those feelings
To land.
Odd man out.

iv.
With you in my bed
Radiant face smiling up at me
In candlelight glow
Glad to be back under the weight of me
Glad to be back clutching the breath of you
I am welcomed home
Into the longed for arms
The soul of a fragile woman
Stronger than the elements
Brighter than the sun
Moth man, me
Drawn to a flame
Flickering
For someone else.
I dig your heat
Angel.
From wherever
I am.
Odd man in.



~For Molly 7/10-13/08, BIG BEAR CITY

HER CURVY WICK BURNS END TO END

Her curvy wick burns end to end
like life's big questions unanswered
over
and over
again.

Cycles spin
hearts align and mis-align
seek some level of comfort
in the blood flood
towards extinction.

And our cells replicate, die out, replicate
like our loves
like our doubts
like our victories and defeats
all in the service of some resilient
resistance to acceptance
-- distraction
the devil's stepchild.



~for Molly. 5/2/08 First published in response to a story on her MySpace blog.