WITHOUT A NET

Every morning I try to wash away my dreams of you

Before they turn my day to mush and turn my mind to goo

But, you pop into my sleep at times when I least expect you to

Every day, like a month

Every month, like a year

Every moment a lifetime

When you're not here

Every second, a minute

Every minute, a day

Every day lasts forever

Since you went away

Every face a reminder

Every laugh sounds insane

Every trace of our time

Just a fading refrain

             Come back to me just to see

             If all that was, was meant to be

             If all that pain was worth the risk

             If all those promises can just be kissed away

             with yesterday

"tear drops made of lead

like mercury from her strings"   

with a world so quiet and dead

she takes what the night brings

the shadows made of mist

the curtain soaking wet

given time to shake its fist

at a life without a net

  forget about you less each day

            forget about me, you would say

            life goes on, we live our own

            someone sits and waits beside a phone alone

            another day

closing eyes and see a face

familiar but so hard to place

mind plays tricks with inner space

hard to know what to replace

there was a time when tears came quick

and heartache burned and made you sick

it sometimes just forgot to tick

to beat, to feel, to pump, to click

- lyrics: 2/10-24/99

Two lines quoted above from  from C.P. Lee "Road to Free Trade Hall"  p.150} 

MORE EARLY PUBLISHED POEMS

SPIGOT (early version)

I.

stranger
nemesis to himself
foisting drill-press limitation
hard-edged
guilt by disassociation
fire line discombobulation
on one's own psyche.

not particularly healthy
non-controllable, weird osmotic
chemical reaction to heart's conundrums
not conducive to positive growth potential.
fuck the diagnosis
race for the cure.

II.

deserted.
non-malicious bailing out
those who've had enough
or search a different window.

there has not been a day
without tears
(waterfall;
glacial trickle > ocean roar
record setting, soaking pearls
of rejected anger, mists of acceptance
beauty's reflected appreciation
longing's widening, leaking fissure)
raining for 49 humid days
dark, ebony nights .
after 15 years of drought,
thirsting for tear's acknowledgment
of some dab of emotion left floating inside,
the parched earth
rock solid
impenetrable
like my stupidity
my rigorous, inflexible blinders
the spidery flawed face of the self-loathing mirror
turned shamefully to the wall.
Barely a smidgen of moisture crept through.
But what did seeped into the cracked weaknesses
of my hardened self-hatred
created rivulets of hope
positive flow


(beneath the surface
waterways tinged of reminiscence
just navigable
in the eerie inner darkness
the memory of passionate language of thought
floating
downstream
toward that light)

III.

my face
flushes briefly with the warmth...
stopping breath
time
memory
flow
only to slip further away
always, inexplicably out of her grasp
always mysteriously in reach
waiting
always for that warm glimmer
upon my saddened brow.

always
the light
she silently calls out
whispering my given name
singing the word "beautiful"
softly on my every breath.

always
a darker reality
than the soul can bear.

IV.

time cradles light like a fragile child
sneering menacingly at the baby's face
calling it's hand.
full of love, sustenance and compassion
the light's radiant smile
briefly tickles time's chin
only to dim
in it's powerful stare.


-- 6/23/96 as it appeared in print. This version appeared in the poetry zine
A Hindu, A Buddhist & A Lion Tamer, #2, Folcroft, PA. 1996
Credited to “Victor Bradley”. A later edited version appeared in GLIMMERING RAY DUET collection (see blog posted here on June 30, 2008)

GLIMMERING RAY DUET

Poems 1996

Lucky Stars
Hypnosis
9:30 am
Friend
See Spot Run
Mirrors
Spigot
At Odd Times
Get Me Outta / Into Here
Rails
Loco-Motif
My Sadness
Peaks
Es Per Rondo
Two Poets Circle A Rose
The Lock-Up
The Silent Treatment



Dedicated to Katie and Nicky for rekindling the fire
And bringing poetry back into my life

To read each individual poem click on it's title above or in the archive menu at right. 

The following 17 poems (indexed above) are from the collection
GLIMMERING RAY DUET (c) 1996 Brad Riesau

To read each individual poem click on it's title above or in the archive menu at right.

Lucky Stars

We found each other
Lucky stars
Shooting 'cross a Western sky
Two burning planets
intersect

- 2/14/96

Hypnosis

I want to tell the world...
some twisted
obsessive preacher
shave my head, perhaps
haunt airports
mountain tops
soapbox megaphone
bicycle door-to-door
sell roses on street corners.

Spread the light
Glimmering ray duet
flickering spark
Scintillating flame
Streams of glowing brilliancy
Lustrous
glint of starlit sparkle
Dazzling, phosphorescent
illumination
Resplendent, glorious radiance
Luminous, electric
Flash.

Stopping at her eyes
I'm hopeless
a goner.

- 5/7/96

9:30a.m.

Your love
Intoxicating. Addictive
it's ease, simplicity
of expression
Engulfs my decaying splendor
As a fog-bound dawn
Surrounds
The first, insistent rays
of morning.

The coming day
Eventually resplendent
Born of dramatic chiaroscuro

The portentous song
The whispering morning dove
Conspire
questioning
angelic eyes
to life.

To be your waking vision
is
to be
Immortal

- 5/7/96

Friend

Cloudy canopy stills the air
A pre-burst calming
of the ardent elements.
You are my illustrious blanket.
Enveloping my frail perception
Strengthening
my tenuous resolve
Cuddling my fragile intensity
Nurturing my delicate candor.

I want to stitch a cloak
From your vigorous passion
Cobble boots
from your streamlined vitality
Fashion my costume
from the millinery
of your spontaneous tenderness.
To wear your giving nature
for all to see
Next to my skin
protecting
and illuminating my being
A talisman of considerable
beauty
and grace.

- 5/7/96

See Spot Run

Little empty spot
Filled to the brim with nothing
Sounds, dull & lifeless
Face, a stone wall stare.
Tight little doors
Slam open and, shit,
Shut
Giftless holiday jeer.

"Hang ten, Cowboy.
One ain't enough."
Is there a point to this avoidance
Or just a slap in the gut?
Too deep to know
Too slow to creep on out of here
out of mind
out of touch
out of my league.
Done.

- 6/6/96 troc

Mirrors

I.
Now
you are me
jealousy beckons me
forward
toward the strength
of your fragile ego
the embrace
of your outstretched friendship
the cool,
fragrant,
musky scent
of your love for her.

She
the catalyst
the muse
passionate vehicle
coincidentally
exposing my buried self-confidence
bruising my ticking clock
like a mirror
of when I was you.

(When
I became
one
with the wildcat
of my inner
reverberating
restlessness...
When
the world's mystery and newness,
apocalyptic tumbling
head
over ass
-kissing
heels
dealt a daily blow
to what I considered reality...
When
I was convinced the world was my canvas
that my SPIRIT
my eyes
my liberal soul
would chase down the devil's dragons
beat them into fiery oblivion
with passion
grace
and beautiful
caring Heart.

My fingertips touched
everything --
new...)


II.

to drink wine
on a marble statue of some
pioneering immigrant
who made the wild
wilderness of San Francisco
tame
for legions of thrill-seeking
maverick
mind-rovers
for all times to come.

I sat
with one of few angels
who have graced my intellect,
my battered soul
my racing heart
with instant
no
holds
barred
timeless understanding.

We drank
We cried
We drank
watched twinkling ships
turn to stars
dotting the pre-fog horizon
touched each other's skin
with laughing breath
drying the tears
with dreams.

I'd go away and scribble down
inane
though heartfelt
mirrors of my tortured love
of my naive fears
of open,
thrilled eyes

when I was you.

-- 6/20/96 fat rick's
for nicky galasso

Spigot

I.

stranger;
nemesis to himself
foisting drill-press limitation
hard-edged
guilt by disassociation
fire line discombobulation
on one's own psyche.

not particularly healthy
non-controllable, weirdly osmotic
chemical reaction to heart's conundrums;
not conducive to positive growth potential.
lose the diagnosis
...race for the cure.

II.

there has not been a day
without tears
(waterfall;
glacial trickle > ocean roar
record setting, soaking pearls
of rejected anger, mists of acceptance
beauty's reflected appreciation
longing’s widening, leaking fissure)
raining for 49 humid days
dark, ebony nights.
after 15 years of drought,
thirsting for tear's acknowledgment
of some dab of emotion left floating inside,
the partched earth
rock solid
impenetrable
like my stupidity
my rigorous, inflexible blinders
the spidery flawed face of the self-loathing mirror
turned shamefully to the wall.
Barely a smidgen of moisture crept through.
But what did seeped into the cracked weaknesses
of my hardened self-hatred
created rivulets of hope
positive flow


(beneath the surface,
waterways tinged of reminiscence
just navigable
in the eerie inner darkness,
the memory of passionate language of thought
floating
downstream
toward that light)

III.

my face
flushes briefly with the warmth...
stopping breath
time
memory
flow
only to slip further away
always, unexplainably out of her grasp
always mysteriously in reach
waiting
always for that warm glimmer
upon my saddened brow.

always
the light
she silently calls out
whispering my given name
singing the word "beautiful"
softly on my every breath.

always
a darker reality
than the soul can bear.

IV.

time cradles light like a fragile child
sneering menacingly at the baby's face
calling its hand.
full of love, sustenance and compassion
the light's radiant smile
briefly tickles time's chin
only to dim
in it's powerful stare.

-- 6/23/96


SPIGOT was also published in an early version in the poetry zine, A Hindu, A Buddhist & A Lion Tamer #2 (Folcroft, PA 1996). That early version also made an appearance in the poetry zine, The Children of the Light, Vol. 1 published in Hockessin, DE in Summer 1997. The earlier version can be found here in a blog listing called MORE EARLY PUBLISHED WORK from March 23, 2010.

At Odd Times

at odd times my jagged image
my silly disposition
my soft words drift into your mind
occasionally
with decreasing frequency

at odd times your luxurious being
your shadow love
your soft touch slips out of my mind
briefly.
for the most frightening of moments
I've forgotten about you.
you,
like some reassuring rain cloud
filled with potential thunderclaps
threatening downpours
possible springtime thaw and blossoming seed
the bloom of our short season of growth --
gone for the most sub-divided of seconds
and then
you return.
to define each flickering moment
like the scent defines the rose.

-- 5/96

Loco-Motif

I.

as the air...
a graceful flower of sustenance
filled with the spring of youth
morning's fresh cut grass
breathing traces of the damp night
lingering around my shoulders
haunting me with her presence

II.

lulling railroad lullabies
sing one name
over and over and over the miles
I begin to recognize its whisper
there, just beneath the chatter.
at first
my self-congratulatory ego
heard my blighted name
"Call me to the journey
to the rail's seductive whistle"

No...it is something more beautiful
simple and
destined to twist my future perceptions
of sound:
a mantra, litany, confessional
temptation of light.
again
and again
I taste your coaxing name in my ears.

III.

Return.


~ 7/1/96 en route to NYC on the train

Es Per Rondo

Waiting...
...to be born
...to be fed
...to be torn
...to be bled
...to be changed
...to grow-up
...to be deranged
...to giddy-yup
...for Christmas
...for a sale
...on the Isthmus
...by the rail
...for your birthday
...to be kissed
...'til next Earth Day
...to be missed
...for your touch
...to make love
...for a crutch
...for a glove
...for the answer
...for your turn
...to ask questions
...for to learn
...to bite your breasts
..to taste your skin
..to pass your test
..to let you in
..to sigh a sigh
..to catch your eye
..to see you naked body there before me as I cry
...for you to pinch my meager ass, stroke my gentle arm, touch your tongue to mine, whisper in my ear, lift your sublime porcelain neck to my gliding fingertip,
give me "The Look" when I stare into your eyes with all the love pouring out of my gushing soul like a song born of the desert wind, just give me a bit of your time and passion, love and kindness...your sympathy, trust, respect and care...
...to hear your laughter tickle my ears
...to taste your raspberry heart, your strawberry lips
...to give you the world, one tingle at a time, all the tastes, touches, smells, sounds, sights, places, things, wants, needs, surprises, compliments, advice, insights, bright lights, all the midnights that you can fathom
...to watch you dance
...for my last chance
...to bury my face
in your memory

-- 7/8/96 (this re-edit: 10/24/10)

Two Poets Circle A Rose

The blush of a crimson rose
Born of the wind
Nourished by its passion for life
Splits the dry cantankerous earth
gasping for air
reaching for the pool of sky
petals uplifted in the dawn's yawning light.
She waits
Searching for some sustaining cloudburst
Flaunting her blushing beauty.
Her heavenly scent
teases the wind's feathery wings.

In a cloud of stifling rust-colored dust
The Yammering Dynamic Duo rolls into town
Pants and guards down.
The nearly expired salt lake
gleaming heat wave exhilaration
at these latest of victims --
heat stroke, sun stroke, havin'-too-much-fun stroke
They broke the ego stroke, spoke
and skidded to a stop
The cool, shadow of the long-stemmed rose
Bites her lip and falls across their squinted, blazing
Half-crazed, bloodstained
Poetic eyes --
Four glistening globes of anticipation
Scanning the horizon like re-con soldiers
Two Smart-bomb brainiacs searching the wild hinterlands
the dusty, foxholes of their shared passions
their tousled liquid vision
animal taste for adventure, lust and the Flame.
Searching
for the muse.


They tumble, landing in an appropriate pile before her
Scrambling to pull themselves off of each other
with enough finesse to catch her eye; they dove for their pencils,
their sketchbooks, their journals;
dove for their sparking electrical outlets in airy,
scented hotel rooms in various climes,
in small dark piss-smelling rooms,
on embankments,
in church pews,
brothels,
weed-ridden drive-in movie theatres
deserted all over America's face like lost ideals,
vanquished morals, defeated humanism, faded love;
dove for their cocks to scribble
hard-earned dedication to craft
their teeming, fetid indecipherable scrawls of agony
their glistening chins and in-bred competitive spirits...
shit or shinola...
grit or granola?...
Nothing matters anymore...
don't care about anything...
you snooze, you muse...
all the hits...
i can't help it...
goddess...
angel...
lifeboat...
they've grown up writing nonsensical gibberish
aimed at their own egos
aimed at their own hard-ons
aimed at their own needy self-esteem...
write, write, write, write, write, write...RIGHT.


Electric bills soar, typewriters roar
politically incorrect p.c.'s throw their overstuffed similes
and metaphors back at them quicker than the monitor's green glow
can reach their drooling faces...
The pressure of coming up with something real to say
day in
day out
suddenly lifted
by a rose --
by any other name
a miracle
dropped into their billowing laps like a sack of golden moths
saved from the flame
fluttering
in baited anticipation of flight...

they each grab a satin corner of the bag
and in one brotherly shake
the sky is filled with the barely discernible sound of
thousands of flapping wings
wings of air and lace
flesh and lash
dream and hope.

circling the rose
in opposite directions
the poets
(as they address themselves in mock-serious tones)
nearly collide at every pass
grazing each others' self-image
imprinting each others' energy-field with a shared solidity
equal parts magic, obsession and trust
as they race to capture the rose's essence
on the open page.

-- for 67 days and nights this goes on one morning
on the dry lake bed
home to nothing but wind and dust and ghostdance sound
two circling poets and the blush of a crimson rose.


II.

The poets sit
Exhausted
their once strong legs twisted beneath them
aching arms around each other
a concessional display of confessional withdrawal.
Their lives, lies, ego-centric eccentricities tossed into a pile
tear-stained empty pages
reflecting light from the full moon's mocking
resonance. The desert chill whispers up a breeze.
In this light they see bursting from the distant trail of a shooting star
a widening glistening glow
slowly easing toward them from some heavenly niche in the
horizon's suit of armor.
there is a distinct purring
an angelic fluttering
of what has to be thousands
of luminescent creatures
floating on wing like a neon blanket of mother's tears
bathing them in radiant warmth and the dizzying perfume of
familiarity
and on the lightest of winds
the soft smile of breath beckons them...

they race to the rose
they each kiss its form with their eyes
they touch its heart with their devotion
the rose cries for more
the rose cries for immortality
the rose cries for lust
for passion
the rose cries for respect
the poets, naked before her
beg
for her mercy --

"Please, let us live without you in our hearts
we cannot be strong enough to love so deeply
to care so completely
to spend our hours wanting only to show your beauty back to you
to nourish and feed and wet your yearning soul with our caring passion
please let us follow the moon away from here
to a place of definition and solid ground
to a place of boredom and predictability
to a world where we can still fool ourselves into believing
that our words are important and not just weak reflections of
the moonlight shining in a drop of dew as it falls
from you
onto our unworthy lips"

she pulls them both into her center
the heart of her character
the essence of her magnitude.
it was easier to draw them in than she expected --
they didn't put up much of a fight:
one came, fast and easy, cock first
toward her...a flash in the night
bouncing her way like a magnetic confident ball of iron
all show of course
but such an exuberant little show
all youthful vigor and confused denial
a wall of carelessness, working hard to incorporate sadness and angst
into his broadening palette
failing to mask the terror of being without her affection, so easy to love,
so hard to be without;

the other, more slowly,
face first
smile full of doubt and tears
surprising himself with his ability to feel anything
to expose his soul so readily
naked wonder of lost identity
poking him awake then jumping back under the cover of night
carrying within his mouth a depth of conscience
deadly only to his fragile self
entwined with a strength of passionate, vulnerable time...
she absorbed him instantly.


Once buried
deep inside her heart
they find gilded streets of heavenly grandeur
paved by their best intentions
swept of their doubting nightmare visions
and graced by their own self-love and its respectful reflection.
They smile at each other
click their heels in a soft thud of naked feet
and soar off
into the rose-tinted sky of dawn's
yawning light.

In the red-dust of morning
Two books lay open catching heat
Pages flutter in the sun, empty but for identical rose petals
tattooed with delicate golden marks left
by butterflies' wings
and in each
a rose-colored inscription reading

"Beautiful"


III.

One poet
makes a mad dash and plucks the rose from the earth
puts it between his teeth and runs
fast and furious with all the speed and false fearlessness becoming youth.
The rose quivers in his grasp
free at last from her own self-preservation
succumbing to his restless fire
his hidden dependence on her essence.

One poet
raggedly staggers behind
follows at an unsafe distance
always keeping the faint blushing glow of their forward motion
in his vision
around every corner
around every brick wall.
waiting
for the call that will never come
crying for the time desperately wasted
cursing fate's dastardly bent sense of humorless spite
but still
walking
crawling
waiting
for that moment of transcendent beauty
that invisible tickle on his pounding heart
reminders of every lovely thought
every mind-boggling vision of beauty and passion and spirit
he has ever had the luck and good fortune to experience
all his long, twisting life.
All contained in the whisper of a scent
the blush of a desert rose
that sat waiting to inspire
waiting to give her radiant heart
to a wandering
floundering
shell of a man
who had forgotten the poet's heart inside.



IV.

One poet
The weight of this relentless beauty
this unforgiving perfection
the scent of this glowing, exuberant flower
blossoming in his presence
blooming a richer, darker red in his grasp
overwhelms his unpolished agenda
overruns his still forming vision of himself.
Scared he sets the flower aside
Gently
Sweetly trying to recall this exact spot for future reference
He turns to walk away spinning
again
to look with each step
unsure of his decision
unsure of his direction
unsure of his heart.

One poet, he finds her
alone, staring into the distance
a rose fading in the summer's heat
not responding to her own tenacious strength
watching the horizon
for the shadow of her heart's memory.


He kisses her softly
brushes his tears across her delicate petals
wishes only that he had the right words
the comforting touch
to bring her radiance back to her.
if only he could grab her attention
and for a slow moving moment in time
catch her glance
let her see reflected there in his moist, puddling eyes
let her see the beautiful
perfect blush of a rose that he holds deep within his heart.
If she could only see
beyond the past
before the future tears another soul away
takes another careening life
and instantly leaves nothing but memory.
If she could only see the deepest
burning fire
love's loyal commitment to defeat
sitting there beside her on the dry desert floor
crying tears for their crossing paths
crying tears for their thinnest of moments
crying tears for their happenstance neglect of
each other's powerful spirits
crying tears for two poets
and the blush
of a crimson rose.


~ summer 1996 (re-edited 10/24/10)

The Lock Up

I'm a criminal.
I feel too strongly.
My plea:

insanity.

They sentenced me to heartbreak.
Dreaming,

my prison cell.

Your eyes are my escape...

~ rtr, spontaneous 8/9/96

The Silent Treatment

so
that's it, huh.
everything is dust.
smiles, rusty
slowly curl at the corners
like old newspaper
holding tightly to yesterday's news
as if to re-read the stories
the names
the crime scenes
the box scores
isn't worth the effort.
as if nostalgia
memory
happiness
incoherent sonnets
dedicated
inspired
and informed
by your very breathing of this air
aren't worth their weight in ink.
what was I thinking?
how could I have thought that even
without the passion
the turmoil
the stifling, steaminess
the liberating thoughtfulness
the slow-motion crawl
of time's winking giggle
without the naivety
the blinders
the one-liners
the stone pillars
the telephones, journals,
the soft-pedaled flashing eyes
the little eveyday choices
what to wear, see, say, do, touch, smell, breath, live;
without the flagship "Insanity"
on which I refuse to hang my rain drenched sails
still floating offshore
how could I have thought that
by becoming reasonable, rational, non-confrontational, passive,
unassumingly respectful of the sanctity of your position, acceptant of my fate
the cards dealt to me, the games and argumentary inner turmoil
seized and dealt with and worked on and mulled over and observed and
discussed and set aside and learned from
how could I have thought that that might reassure you
that I would not be some nemesis
some overwrought loser cowering sheepishly in your misunderstood shadow
that life does go on
that sometimes things just are
that it's all right to just sit and watch the wheels spin sometimes
how could I have thought that your memory would be as selective
as your willingness to just look me in the eye
not like you look at a car speeding toward you
a deadline careening your way
a nearly spent hurricane crushed into a heavy breeze
already blown past
spitting nothing but shade upon your coveted sunsplashed earth,
not the way you crinkle your eyes
at a taste gone sour
a light too bright
a thought too painful
but as you look at a photo from the past
a vacation you took when you were a kid
the beaches, the bee stings,
the postcards, the interminable car ride
the laughter always louder than the tears\
"Smiling uses fewer muscles than frowning."

am I that big of an ogre
a dangerous
ranting fool?
am I not just a sponge of emotion?
a bucket of intensity
a spill of overcooked sensitivity?
oh, how silly of me to finally ignore you
you who would never take the plunge into forgiveness
the dive into sustained civility
the break with your fractured mirror
of my selfishness
my failure
my opaque rose-colored glasses.
how could I have thought that
we could
still be
friends.

what was I thinking?
that you cared
that you understood
that for a glimmer of an instant
what happens to my heart and soul and mind
strikes a tiny note of compassion
that the way you judge a person's humanity
is somehow weighed in relation to the depth of their feeling
their struggle and desire to overcome their demons
their tendency to offer of their hearts and time and ears
to you when you are needy.
so I guess I either don't measure up
or you could give a fuck.
just something else I must accept.
I ask for nothing
no secrets
no revelations
not even that look
or that skin
or that laugh.
no commitment
no loyalty
no payoff
no gamble or risk.
I just refuse
to allow
you to despise
my memory.
as if I had a choice.
what was I thinking?
friend.
look it up.

-- Fall 1996