FULL HEART, FROM THE START

Empty arms

Full heart

Empty hands

Full heart

Empty head

Full heart

Empty bed

Full heart

Full heart

Full heart

Full of you

Every moment

Full of you

From the start

- Valentine's Day, February 14, 2017

WITHOUT A NET

Every morning I try to wash away my dreams of you

Before they turn my day to mush and turn my mind to goo

But, you pop into my sleep at times when I least expect you to

Every day, like a month

Every month, like a year

Every moment a lifetime

When you're not here

Every second, a minute

Every minute, a day

Every day lasts forever

Since you went away

Every face a reminder

Every laugh sounds insane

Every trace of our time

Just a fading refrain

             Come back to me just to see

             If all that was, was meant to be

             If all that pain was worth the risk

             If all those promises can just be kissed away

             with yesterday

"tear drops made of lead

like mercury from her strings"   

with a world so quiet and dead

she takes what the night brings

the shadows made of mist

the curtain soaking wet

given time to shake its fist

at a life without a net

  forget about you less each day

            forget about me, you would say

            life goes on, we live our own

            someone sits and waits beside a phone alone

            another day

closing eyes and see a face

familiar but so hard to place

mind plays tricks with inner space

hard to know what to replace

there was a time when tears came quick

and heartache burned and made you sick

it sometimes just forgot to tick

to beat, to feel, to pump, to click

- lyrics: 2/10-24/99

Two lines quoted above from  from C.P. Lee "Road to Free Trade Hall"  p.150} 

MIMI'S DARK EYES

She does what she wants to

She lives like a queen

Sure, sometimes she’s bored

Mimi’s dark eyes…

She lives like a queen

Eats only the best

She does what she pleases

Mimi’s dark eyes

And sometimes when everyone’s busy with Eli

or Perri’s out dancing, Or they leave on vacation

or Paz cookin’ chicken when Jackie’s out shopping

or Steven’s out schmoozing some big time director

She just might get real lonely

And bark at the trash guy

And sometimes when Brad’s here

He just knows where to touch her

And makes her so happy

But don’t tell her boyfriend

Who lives down at Karla’s

Coz Harry get’s jealous and barks like a foghorn

What he don’t know won’t hurt him

And Mimi’s dark eyes

Are closed when she’s dreaming

‘bout skunks and leaf blowers

Who scare off coyotes

Please take me to Karla’s

And when is Brad coming

I just got my bangs cut

And don’t I look gorgeous…

And what’s in the bowl there

She lives like a queen

Mimi’s dark eyes

She lives like a queen

Mimi’s dark eyes

She lives like a queen

Mimi’s dark eyes

She does what she wants to.

- for Mimi Monkarsh, 2014

YEAR ONE, B.B.

I can sing to you ‘til I’m blue in the face  

‘til the stars go dim from answering my wishes

and that paper moon defies its nature tells me that you do 

believe in me the way that I believe in you.

I can shout my love from the rooftops

Write songs and poems

Tend to your fragile heart

Like I do my cherished plants and revealing dreams

Nurturing, sharing, supporting our ever-flexing imaginations

adoring your caring and graciousness

as well as our struggles and unanswered questions.

To be a part of your waking thoughts

Your evening dreams

Your glorious plans and anxious doubts

Exhilarates my every moment.

But nothing can ever mean anything more

Than that very first glimpse when I saw you

Felt your presence descend upon my heart

An explosion from heights I’d never dreamed

Instantly

Tossing my depleted soul into sensual

Romantic

Inexplicable overdrive

The likes I’d given up dreaming of.

That we both somehow intuitively knew

The safety of being entwined in each other’s arms

Here on this ragged old lifeboat of a couch

Would repeatedly replace any silly questions

All fragmented doubts

Any distracting expectations

With a rejuvenating embrace of the magnificence

of each moment we find ourselves

smiling

crying

staring

laughing into each other’s eyes

nowhere else we’d rather be

than blanketed by the safe place

of such a real and daring love.

Explanations

Not needed.

Hearts aligned

Beating as one.

How I adore my Beautiful Baby

And the love we hold so dear.

One year

Filling my soul

Each delicious moment

Of every delicate day.

I love my BB.

301, 3/15/16 

TO LOVE AND BE LOVED

Age-old human desires.

The one who needs them most is the one who believes both impossible

The one who believes in them most is the one most prone to heartbreak

The acceptance that there are no guarantees

Having no expectations may indeed be the only way through.





- 301, 11/23/15

THE RIGHT THING TO DO (NOT RIGHT FOR ME)

The right thing to do is to let you go

Back to a life that is functional

To something more predictable

Just because you’re so right for me

Just what I need and all I see

Love comes with no guarantee

The right thing to do is to take no risk

to not be swayed by all of this

the easy laughter, that timeless kiss

for just beneath our passion lies

the tingling tenderness that flies

as lightning bolts between our eyes

And some folks say enjoy the ride

but protect that loving heart inside

perhaps the measure of this man

is giving you the best I can

for all I long for is just this -

your everlasting happiness

The right thing to do is to love you more

And leave behind what I adore

Fall back alone just like before

For truly love is sacrifice

And just as true we roll the dice

Hoping love will strike us twice

Before our hearts turn into ice

- September 3, 2015 for BB

ACHE

Beginning
End.

THE DECEPTION OF PASSING TIME

Six months is nothing

Flies by

Weightless

Unless you’re in jail

Or 12-years-old and anxious for the summer to end

All weekdays at the beach

Kicking sand on your brother

Enjoying new bodies

Worn by new girls

You’ve never laid eyes on before.

But at this ripe old age

Careening slowly towards extinction

6 months

All we had

Sped by in a dream of reckless love

Compliant kisses

Teenaged tumescence rekindled

By the surprise writ with a capital “Us.”

Our eyes first met

Yesterday

or was it 186 days ago

And poof! Now it’s over.

No reasons explain the depth of this loss

The magnitude of this kinetic, chemical kismet.

The impossibility of language

To concretize any cohesive meaning

From the importance of that first moment

Luck-of-the-draw

One-in-a-million

Lightning strike chance meeting

Nor the severities of its posthumous dissolve.

In this lathered town of fickle nothingness

The vision of the two of you

Going through the motions

The ritualistic touches

Forced smiles

Emotionless, practiced appearances

Driven by memory of how it is “supposed to be”

Is it the living of a long lie?

Or the distorted funhouse mirror rationality

The ease of familiarity’s dulling draw

The Siren’s willowy call

Trading a possible life song of adventure, passion, risk

For a interminable sound bite of feeling unseen

Disrespected, taken for granted

Free of everything but the emptiness of what’s missing.

And oddly, time finds me

Under the sheet

Fucked

Ignored and under whelmed.

Desperate not for love

For we have found that without trying

Instead 

Believing and attempting to hold this delicate premise dear

Amidst the rancorous confusion

Wanting only to leave the hurt behind

Before the lie that love does not exist

Bludgeons us all into a life of true submission.

You claim prowess at departures

Being “good at disconnecting”

So forgive me if I have a hard time processing that.

I was busy listening to your racing heart against my chest

My hand on the small of your back

Your neck still wet from my kisses

Your eyes inches from me telling the truth

Like yesterday

Six months ago.

- For Beautiful Baby, Big Bear City, 9/16/15 

FAVORITE DREAM

Rolling over
The essential smell of your hair
embedded in my memory
as I staggered awake
clouded this dream's detail indescribably.
Frowning at the ceiling
a thin slice of sunlight
slipping through a hairline crack
along the roof beam edge
quickly disappears
proving the turning of the planet to greet the day
dissolving my night's vision:

some kind of clamshell
I struggle to pry open
trying at first delicately, softly with my fingertips
glimmers of progress
when applying Liquid Wrench
or oyster soup
there's a glimpse of a secret
peering out, winking at me
until the tip of my tongue
returns with the pearl
precious
accompanied by your giggle
your back to me
pulling the envelope
of my arms up and around you
as the pearl slips from my mouth
lands precariously
all slippery grace
perched in the hollow of your clavicle
while I whisper
"Favorite"
into your hair.

- for the Favorite, Sept. 17, 2015

THE EMPTY GOWN

The tan towels I bought you
Hang like an empty gown
Folded
Waiting
Never worn
As if there was some prom we never went to
Some future we never dove into
Some dream we wake from in bed alone.
Behind my bedroom door
Staring down on the sheets we stained with our love
Our tears
Where our laughter and orgasmic sighs filled the air
Hang my camo pjs and a fleece of mine you wore once
On one of the last nights you spent here
Remnants of some bygone age
When dreams of a glorious future in your arms
Still woke me each morning
Still invaded my waking moments
With hopeful smiles
Emboldened flirtations
Shivering anticipation of every new next time.

And still
Just now at 2:46 a.m.
A car pulls up the street
Probably someone made the wrong turn
Pulling over to check their GPS
Or answer their cell or light their joint
They pause in front of my house
Near the spot in the yard
In the garden named after you
Where I dug through dirt
Sifted rock and sand
Scattered seed, sprinkling new small pools of hope
Putting my focused, attentive, loving care
Towards something outside of me
Some small hole in the ground
And dreaming the idea of some future
Some possible blooming
A hope for color, sound and surprise
An echo of your first real kiss in eleven years
Around some distant corner in time…
But no matter
Those 8 hours I put in on this Wednesday
Not "Our Wednesday" but Wednesday none-the-less
6 months and a day after I first laid eyes on you
Tumbling
Into what likely will be my final stab
At realizing the love I’ve dreamed of
Since I caught wind of such magical ideas
Chasing them nearly 6 decades hence.

Still my heart momentarily races
Even with the knowing that it made no logical sense
That you’d pull into my driveway in the middle of the night
That you’d knock on my door
Or walk in as always jumping at the alarm
Into the house where we consumed each other
Every chance we could
And tonight, again you’d fall into my arms for good
Or for just one more chance ten more minutes
Just one more kiss
But my heart still raced ever so briefly
Hoping
Wishing
Yearning
Loving
The possibility
of you.

 - for my Beautiful Baby, September 17, 2015.
Scribbled on the couch where I lie waiting.

COLLECTING YOU

Like Lespere

I hold my memories

To my chest

Boxes

Volumes

Moments

Words

Song

Trysts

Scandals

Tiny

Small

Breaths

And observations

From

Afar

Across rooms

Tables

Galaxies.

And

Still

You

Sit there

Not knowing

Just 

Exactly

What

You

Feel.

~ Road Runner Club, Borrego Springs, CA – 6/20/12
previously unpublished. Dedicated to Ray Bradbury.

WITHOUT PROVISIONS

Obsessed with love
From opposite poles
You with your redemption of revenge
Running from tri-pronged words
Lovers in your wake,
Leaping into the arms of Brave New Girl,
My own lust for love’s Medusian forms
Disparate, but quite desperate
For any slight permutation
To the point of self-hypnosis
Confusion of what is
And what will never be.
Two delusionists procrastinating their way
Through long, lonely patches
Of sloth-like self-immolation and deception
Missing boats, points, shivering seminal connections
Hanging from the rafters around us
Hungry for a little heartbeat
And slipping past us on the wings
Of my indecision
And your books of rules.

So you seek
Those beneath you
Those you can save
Those you can ache to understand
Hoping
In the race to walk away
That the very thing which attracts you
Will make them easier to leave.
The big boned, the old daddies,
The misfit, artistic, needy and dysfunctional
Who contribute
To your own self-worth
Add texture and drama and inspiration and obstacle
To your daily grind
Some sense of being needed
Some sense of being flawed enough
To allow you to shine.

I seek the illusive beauty
The perfect smile
Round, young ass of a teen
On a full-grown, genius guruette
Someone I can worship
Bend over.
Walking dictionary goddesses
Wanting nothing more than to live their lives to fill my head
My bed
My waking moments with discovery
Sinful fire-breathing naughtiness
Accepting my genuflection
With my dominant stare,
Physical largess matching
Serve for serve
My passionate heart
My servitude
And enveloping embrace
With my self-flagellating doubt.
Iron filaments gather around me
Pulled with me toward the magnetic sphere
Of those not ready
To trust their own ability to love,
Pulled t’ward those damaged by
Fathers, boyfriends
Con men and hypocrites
All unable to hold tightly to their responsibilities
Express their love for anything but their own myopic screeds
Or those who take the first train out of Daddyville
By choice or fate
Leaving their sad, little girls to wonder why
Sitting on steps each night
Waiting for his big hands to sweep them up;
Impaled on the bitterness of cheating lovers
Harsh and ignorant men
Their own spiritless souls seeking
More than is willing to be given
Brothers gone on with life
Boyfriends greedy with lust
Girlfriends neck deep in temptation
Misunderstanding
Insecurity and
All of those mismatched,
Mistakes
Discarded moments
Miscalculated
Maligned
Possibilities
Tossed into the flames
Fear
Laziness
The drive for the perfect
Beast
Love’s precarious reputation
Holding the match.

And there we sit
Needing and wanting
What we cannot accept
What we will not fully give--
Everything.
There are those of us
Who cannot handle the torturous
Self-exposure
Seeking the restitution of revenge
Conscious and unconscious gaming
Positioning
Manipulations
The outward blaming
Replacing the outpouring of love’s unbridled
Flow
And all of us ego-driven
To the brink of self-delusion.

So the thoughtful of us
Hunker down in our solitude
Rolling a fatty
A phalanx of equations, probabilities, deceptions and epiphanies
Around in our heads
Before we touch a match to it
Inhaling its smokescreen with hope
A candy drop you cannot resist biting into too soon.
We fail to be godlike
Use timing as our alibi
Being misunderstood as our cloak
Our cover.
We stand alone
Surrounded by God’s love
The universal bliss of our very existence as proof
Ignored in the cannonball leap
Looking for that big splash
Courting the deep end.
Just not damn sure.
Just wanting more.
Just needing
Our arms
Around the elusive
One
Forever
Loved.

~ for Molly, 1/4/09 Big Bear City
also collected in MOLVESTED.doc
also collected in POETICS 2008/2009.doc
also published at FMBS.C

JESSICA ELIZABETH

 

We met over pasta when you were 18

And I was more than a tad older.

You waited on me

And while I waited on you

We spoke of my ever-present reading material

Something on meditation and desire.

You spoke of your mother

And how she was the spiritual type

Sounded like a hippie sort to me

Just friendly and wise

And obviously sexy like you.

I didn’t know that she was gone.

But I knew that you were here

Now

In the present moment

The most alive creature I had ever known

All tangled between innocence and loss

Experience and discovery

And I yearned for more.

Your smile

Radiant and electric

From the moment our eyes met

And not just that practiced

“Please tip me, sir”

smile of a waitress dressed up

alluring and serving

just enough to entice

a few extra percentage points from my wallet.

This smile said, “Teach me.

I’m ready for more.

What can you tell me of life

That will make all this pain

Go away

All of these questions

Make sense.”

The smile that began answering

those same questions for me.

~ for Ms. Mitchell

SELECTED POEMS FROM 2006

The poems posted here on JANUARY 27, 2012 were all written in 2006. They are not the only poems written in 2006 but are selected from what has been previously published/posted on my MySpace.com blog during that year.  There were also two complete collections not included in this current collection, posted in the MySpace blog in 2006 which were written in previous years -- MEET THE BEATS (poems dedicated to the Beat Generation writers and written over the preceding 30 years and collected on this blog here), and NATASHA'S PERIL (poems written in 2004 and published privately in a limited edition until their appearance in 2006 on MySpace).

The collection here features predominantly spontaneous, fairly unedited work that was written and almost immediately put into the MySpace blog. Not the most polished or ethereal scribblings ever but the energy and urging of the present moment makes their inclusion illustrative of the writing mind in a tumultuous, transistional, roller-coaster period.

The titles that appear are listed below appear in reverse chronological order than written.  If you are the orderly type read from the bottom up. Don't ask.

APPETIZER
GRAPHIC ART
TIMES TWO
COMPASS POINTS
ESSENCE
POEM FOR THREE FRIENDS
TRAIN 186, AUGUST 29
SWIMMING HOLE
THE TAO OF BUTTERFLIES
THE POLITICS OF DESIRE
FAREWELL CODY BOY
CRUEL WORDS

all poems listed above (c) 2006 Brad Riesau

Appetizer

Half way through the appetizer
I was treated to dessert--
The swift realization
In a short few minutes time
That all was as I had expected
That time has not proven the wiser
That what was real then
Exists as firmly now
As the notion of sun, stars, moon and sky--
That the memory of what was right before
Remains as certain now
And again
Our timing out of sync
But what a joy the ease of falling back
Into each other's orbits has been.
Instant buzzing goodness.
Delicious connection.
Mmmmm, another helping,
please.

~ for SV, BBC, 12/4/06

First published in my blog on MySpace.com/v32unes 

Graphic Art

Where did she come from?
Out of some ether
Some chemical solution
From a stone ground image
A tanned, golden-hooped memory,
From a past brimmed with conflicting emotion
Lost chances
Grabbed and misguided solutions.
Years gone by
Loves, life and time showing its hand.

We met, back then,
at her instigation
In spite of my usual hesitation
And we laughed and talked and held on tightly
If for such a delectable though fleeting moment
and she ran her hand thru my hair
She told me that I was passion incarnate
Not using that last word specifically
But in my nostalgia thru the years
It has had a nice ring to it.

The important fact is that the word that proceeded it
Was all hers as it rang in my ears for over a quarter of a century.

Are we that much closer to death?
Indeed, and she has never looked better
All mom's good genes
In those denims of her own
Strutting confidence and vulnerability
The latter just hinted at, perhaps for fun
She seems imbued with so much of the former.

Secure in her beauty
Her world
Her laughter ringing out over plates
Of spicy Thai fare
Her eyes dimming the beauty of the usual phalanx
Of Asian lookers
And her mane, a luxurious net casting about
Pulling in glances of our persistent busboys
Every one sneaking frequent peeks
Ready to please
And me?
I have her attention for this glorious moment
This dear friend
Long lost but never far from my memory
My short, sweet litany of those who mattered
Who somehow found it in their grace and power
To love me.
Faulty, fallible, fumbling, foolish me.
And like a handful of others
Her mirrored glances,
Caring touches
Soft kisses
Perfect words
Filled me with a glimmer of reflection
Of someone I could strive to be
Someone
Worthy of their affections.

Feels good.
Finally. At home in my own skin.

~ for SV, Big Bear City, 12/4/06
First published in my blog on MySpace.com/v32unes

Times Two

Sun shines
Tall shadows fall
Shade burning eyes.

Elemental
Raindrops tattoo
Streetside tables.

There is never a time
When life is not this moment.

If not now, when?

~ for Sun & Ella, Haru, Philadelphia, Pa 9/28/06 

First published in my blog on MySpace.com on 10/3/06.

Compass Points

NORTH

Magnetic pull
Strong and silent
Comfort in the solace
Of changing seasons.
Ritual
Routine
Stalwart stoicism
Dimpled smile
In the face of daily rigor
Plowing ahead
No instruction
No procrastination
Action
Simplicity
Focus.

SOUTH
Saucy
Sultry moist heat
Pretending to embrace fully
Something guessed at
Yearned for
Glimpsed
Surface grin
Inner fear
Vibrant attachment
To flux
Boundaries fixed
Finagled
Reconfigured
To suit the moment's
Rationale
Exuberant nosedive
Bungee'd back to earth
Loose
Tension.
Dream
Nightmare
Passing eye's blink
Smile's coaxing turn.

EAST
Balanced
Tactile
In her moment
Reaching out
To bring together
Connect
The open space
Between us all
By being herself
Working at it
Living it
Courting it
Seducing self
For others
Now from then
Feeling her power
Deeply
Stirringly
Endearingly
Valiantly.

WEST
A magnificent wreck
of strength
Fortitude
Will
Focus
Motion.
She is not the moon
But the weight of its pull
On the tides.
Mysteriously
Forthright
Deliciously confused
And loving it.
Like me
A conundrum.
Answers not always
Self-applicable
But always
Searching
Seeking
Answers. 

~ written 10/3/06 and published the same day in my blog on MySpace.com/v32unes. Written for four important women in my life through the years. 

Essence

Look at the sky.
The clouds are our actions, our thoughts
Sometimes white filled with sunlight,
sometimes black and ominous, holding rain
But they are momentary
Fleeting.
The sky always is.
The sky is our being, our essence.
Look through the clouds
See the sky. 

~  September 17, 2006. After having attended Connie Irving's memorial service and having an emotionally transcendent moment, I went to lunch with friends and talked about how she touched us all. When I went outside I stopped in my tracks and looked at the sky and went home and immediately wrote down the poem above. I sat in my living room and randomly opened a brand new book on Buddhism by Osho and found three sentences that paraphrased almost verbatim what I proffered in the lines above. A day of epiphany. This poem first published 9/17/06 in my blog on MySpace.com/v32unes

Poem For Three Friends

REASONS

I'm going to the funeral of a woman that I barely knew
Because I believe she was kind to people.
I believe she was a generous spirit
And a giving soul.
So many people I know say the same.

I go because of her smile and laughter
Brightened my day whenever we met
Because her husband, quick with a pun,
Long on fun and good vibes
Always made me feel comfortable
Whenever I was in his sphere.
I believe that part of what makes us human
Able to live with the vicissitudes of this finite life
Is the sharing of our grief
The absorption of each others pain
To help us all lessen the hurt.
A gift of compassion.

I go to her funeral to say goodbye
To praise her life
Send her on her peaceful journey.
Later I will sing songs of joy and sadness
Meditate on transcendence
And living a life of purpose
In the face of the impermanence of time
In the face of all that makes this path
An uphill climb.

I go to her funeral
To share and accept the pain of those I love
Those who loved and will miss her dearly
My good friends, acquaintances,
Familiar faces, estranged lovers,
All of who traveled our wide circle.

I go to hold you all close
To reach out and into our aching hearts
Our need to know things we will never know
Our need to feel connected
To something larger than ourselves.

And I go for you
To bear witness to an important transition
In your life
Not just for the departed,
Her dear husband, children, friends and family
But for you,
The woman I have loved so dearly
Who shared dreams and brief moments
Filled with so much hope
And though we are at a point
In our long friendship
Where patience, understanding,
And closeness are at their most precarious
I feel your pain at this magnanimous loss
That is so close to your heart
This person we say farewell to today
That has been such a force in your life.

And though I had known them
Only peripherally
For years
Dancing around bars, bandstands, and living rooms
What I loved so much was seeing you through their loving eyes.
I admired your dedication to each other
And it helped me to know you better
To love you all more.
What I remember most about her is that
You seemed to always be reintroducing us,
Again and again, to our amusement.
"Do you know Connie?" you'd say,
And we'd laugh
As one of us would always hug the other
And say, "Of course,"
"Absolutely."
We'd smile, feeling a part of your world
A beautiful, warm circle of friends.

I loved that I always knew that no matter
What happened between you and I
That you would always have friends like them
To see you through the hard times
To be there when you needed them most.
I love them for helping me know your heart better
And you for allowing me the joy and pleasure
Of their smiling, joyous company.

~ for Leslie, Connie and Gary, 9/16/06 

First published on my MySpace.com blog